


when you move i'm moved

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Caduceus Clay, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Families of Choice, Gen, If You Squint - Freeform, Pre-Relationship, very vague and brief discussion of sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-11-23
Packaged: 2019-08-28 09:10:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,809
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16720485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: “Hey, Caduceus?”“Yeah, Jester?” He smiles at her again and keeps rubbing his thumbs against her hands, hoping to sooth the trepidation that seems to be growing across her face.“Can I have a hug?”





	when you move i'm moved

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from "Movement" by Hozier, which, along with Taliesin on Talks 2 weeks ago, inspired this fic. 
> 
> I set this as taking place towards the end of their travels to Darktow, so it contains spoilers up through the beginning of episode 42! Canon compliant little prelude with some Team Cleric bonding and roommate bonding.

Caduceus isn’t expecting Fjord to come back to the room for a while, so when someone knocks on their door as Caduceus is about to blow out the lantern he’s immediately wary, the vague unease he’s been feeling since they’ve been on this pirate ship growing.

“Caduceus? Are you awake?” The lilt of Jester’s voice immediately soothes his nerves, no hint of stress in her voice, and Caduceus quickly crosses the room to open the door, unable to stop the smile that cross his face when he sees hers grow at the sight of himself.

“Hi, Jester. Can I help you?” He scans the hall past her as he asks, checking if their friends are with her and then trying to see if anyone else is lurking around. He can only hear the sounds of the the waves and creaking wood, but there’s no movement near them and Caduceus is satisfied to turn his attention back to his friend.

“Is Fjord here right now?” She’s still looking up at him, hands clasped in front of her, and Caduceus has to work hard to hide the grimace that comes reflexively, because he wants to tell her the truth but knows it’s going to cause her some level of pain.

“No, he said something about going to, uh, talk to Avantika some more.” He’s surprised by the emotions that flash across Jester’s face as he watches her reaction; there’s the expected disappointment briefly, and jealousy, but also obvious relief smoothes out her features before a smile takes over again.

“Okay, good, cause I really want to talk to you, but like, privately, so that’s good.” She keeps smiling up at him expectantly, and Caduceus can only shrug and nod before stepping back, still feeling a little off guard.

“Well then come on in. Everything okay?” He closes the door after Jester steps in, tracking her as she walks into the small quarters that have him slightly hunched over.

“Of course everything’s okay, why wouldn’t it be? I just wanted to ask you something, is all.” Her tail is twitching as she shifts her weight, turning to face him and smile again, and Caduceus doesn’t know her very well but he can read the restless energy in her body.

“You can ask me anything you want, and hopefully I’ll have an answer. Would you like to sit?” He sits as he asks her, not letting his smile fall away as his shoulders relax and he can straighten his back out. Jester nods and sits on the foot of the bed, angling herself towards him and smiling up at him, but her fingers are twisting in her lap and her tail is still twitching against the blanket behind them, and Caduceus tries to brace himself for whatever question she might have.

“Will you fuck me?” She blurts it after a few moments of silence, eyes unwavering as she stares up at him, and Caduceus fights himself against choking on nothing, holds his breath instead and takes a moment to just look at Jester, at the set of her jaw and the smile that still hasn’t dropped, the way she’s holding onto her tail now to keep it from moving.

It’s a little painful to look at.

“I’m going to give you an answer, but first I have a question of my own.” He says it gently, slowly, and Jester nods and keeps smiling up at him; Caduceus can see how carefully she’s holding her body still, the quiet tension in her shoulders at how relaxed she’s trying to appear, and he knows he’s going to have to push her so carefully or she’s going to break. “Why?”

“Well I mean, Fjord sort of said that he wasn’t very experienced, so at first I thought it would be okay if we ever, you know? But now he’s been with Avantika, and she’s very experienced, and well, I decided I should probably get some experience,” she’s rambling it all out in one breath and Caduceus feels vague concern that she’s going to send herself into a panic attack, wonders if he should cast Calm Emotions, “and I knew you’re a virgin, and, I mean, I’m a virgin, too, but I know pretty much everything there is to know about sex, so I figured maybe we could help each other out?”

“That’s, uh, that’s a lot to unpack, Jester.” She shrugs at him but doesn’t break her eye contact, kicking her feet a little, and Caduceus can see the clear strain of her smile now. “Do you want to have sex with me, specifically?”

“Well, I think I want to have sex with Fjord, specifically, but I don’t want to be, like, fumbling and not cool with him. So I figured I should ask someone else to fuck me first, but Beau would act like it’s a big deal if she knew it was my first time, I think, and I don’t want it to be with a stranger, you know? I want to feel safe. And you make me feel safe. I like the conversations we’ve had. So I thought, well, can’t ask Fjord, can’t ask Beau, so Caduceus!” It all comes tumbling out in one breath again, and this time Caduceus reaches out to curl a hand over one of her shoulders; Jester makes a soft sound and leans into the touch, emotions flickering across her face quicker than he can name before the smile curls across her mouth again.

She looks lost, and Caduceus is afraid he’s not going to be able to help her this time.

“Well, i’m glad I make you feel safe. You’re one of my friends, and I want to make sure you always feel safe with me.” He says it slowly, carefully, and Jester’s smile gets a little more genuine as she nods at him. Caduceus squeezes her shoulder gently and rubs his thumb over her collarbone absently before pushing on, sending up a quick little prayer that he doesn’t upset her. “But I don’t think I want to have sex with you.”

Jester’s smile wavers, wobbles, and Caduceus feels a pang of regret that he’s hurt her, but she pushes whatever emotion it is down and shrugs under his hand, still kicking her feet.

“Okay. Can I ask why? Is it me? Did I do something? Or are you not into girls?” There’s the slightest hint of anxiety in her voice, her eyes finally sliding away from his, and when Caduceus glances down her knuckles are pale against her tail. He reaches down without thinking and tries to loosen her grip; his friend jumps a little and looks down with surprise on her face, but she lets him take her hands. There are marks on her tail where she’s been holding on too tight, and Caduceus can feel the sad expression spread across his face when she looks up at him again.

Her hands are so small in his, and Caduceus just wants to make the heartache on her face go away.

“It’s not you, Jester. I don’t want to have sex at all, with anyone. I never have. It doesn’t interest me.” He says it slowly, waiting for her reaction, sure that even though she’s kind she’s going to have at least a little bit of judgment with her attitude about sex.

The regret that blooms on her face surprises him more than any other reaction he had expected.

“Oh Caduceus, i’m so sorry for asking you! I never wanted to make you uncomfortable, i’m so sorry.” She’s flipped her hands around to squeeze his, tone thick with apology, and Caduceus’s heart feels precariously full as he carefully returns the tight grip.

“It’s okay, Jester, I promise. You didn’t make me uncomfortable.” He hunches down a little further so he doesn’t feel like he’s looming into her space, rubbing his thumbs over the sides of her hands, but Jester doesn’t look like she fully believes him, distress pulling across her face. “I mean it, okay? I’ve never been uncomfortable talking about sex. It just disinterests me, is all. And you weren’t pushing me, were you?”

“No! Of course not, I never would!” She blurts it out and squeezes his hands even tighter, and Caduceus hums soothingly and nods, smiling at her as softly as he can.

“Exactly. You weren’t trying to make me feel like I had to, and you didn’t make me uncomfortable. We’re okay, Jester.” He keeps his voice gentle, just in the quiet for the two of them, and a tentative smile spreads across Jester’s face as the regret melts away. “Okay?”

“Yeah, okay.” She nods and squeezes his hands again before finally loosening her grip, and Caduceus notes her tail sliding across the bed. He doesn’t know much about tieflings, but he’s starting to learn his friend’s body language, and so he waits patiently for her to say whatever she’s working through in her head; they’re quiet for a long moment, holding hands and sitting in as much silence as there is on a ship in the middle of the ocean, but Caduceus doesn’t mind. Jester’s hands are warm in his, and even as her smile drops into something more contemplative her face is still nice to look at. “Hey, Caduceus?”

“Yeah, Jester?” He smiles at her again and keeps rubbing his thumbs against her hands, hoping to sooth the trepidation that seems to be growing across her face. 

“Can I have a hug?” Her voice is small, her gaze dropping to his neck and her cheeks growing a dark blue, and Caduceus feels a pang in his heart at the way her eyes go a little distant and damp. He tugs on her hands a little before letting go, but he quickly opens his arms wide as a stricken look flashes across her face.

“Of course you can. C’mere, I love hugs.” Jester’s in his arms almost immediately, scrambling up to her knees on the bed and flinging her arms around his neck. Caduceus sways backwards briefly, his friend’s strength catching him off guard, but he rights himself and wraps his arms around her back, bringing one hand up to cradle the back of her head as she press her face into his shoulder.

Jester’s fingers clutch at the back of his shirt, and he holds her close, humming soothingly and rubbing her back as she takes shaky breaths against his shoulder; he expects to feel the cloth grow damp against his fur and is surprised when it doesn’t, but he doesn’t push her, just lets her hold on until her breathing is slow and even as she finally pulls away. Caduceus lets her go and makes sure that he’s smiling when she looks up at him again, and relief courses through his body when she smiles back at him and it’s genuine.

“You want to talk about anything?” He says it gently, folding his hands in his lap and letting himself slouch again, and he finds himself surprised at the disappointment he feels when she shakes her head.

“No, but thank you. I’m kind of confused right now, but I think I just want to keep thinking about it for a little bit.” She tucks her curls behind her ears as she says it, mouth twisting a little as her smile falls, and Caduceus doesn’t like seeing the happiness fade but is reluctant to force her into any further conversation she doesn’t want tonight.

“Alright, but when you figure it out, i’ll be here if you want to talk about it, okay?” He means it completely, hopes she understands that, and is gratified at the smile that curls across her mouth.

“Thank you, Caduceus. I’ll let you get to sleep now.” She slides off the bed as she says it, smoothing her skirts down before looking up at him, and Caduceus leans forward, shifting his weight in preparation to stand as well, but he’s frozen by the sudden soft pressure of her lips against his cheek. It’s brief, the warmth of her mouth there one second and then gone the next, and when Caduceus looks over towards her Jester is already walking towards the door.

She turns to smile at him one more time, waving as she curls her hand around the handle, and Caduceus waves back, can’t keep an answering smile off his face.

“Good night, Jester. I hope your dreams are pleasant.” He forces himself to say something, anything, and is gratified that his mouth manages to come up with something that makes her smile even wider.

“Good night, Caduceus. Thank you for being my friend. I hope you have good dreams, too.” She slips out of the door after she says it, closing it softly behind her, and Caduceus finds the room a little colder without her presence. 

He lets himself take a minute to just sit on his bed, smiling at nothing and feeling a warmth under his sternum at how easily Jester had accepted his disinterest sex. He blows out the lantern after finally coming back to himself and slides under the blanket on his bed, and the warmth doesn’t fade even as he spends the next half hour trying to find a comfortable way to arrange his too long body for the bed so he can sleep.

Fjord slips into their room at some point during the night; Caduceus wakes as soon as the door opens, and even in the dark of the room he can see the outline of the other man, the tension in his shoulders as he takes off his armor. 

Caduceus waits until he’s in bed to speak.

“You both deserve better.” He says it softly, trying not to startle his friend, but there’s still an audible sound of Fjord jumping slightly in the other bed a few feet away.

“Fuck, Caduceus, you’re going to give me a heart attack. Who deserves what now?” It’s a little harder to tell in the dark, but Caduceus’s eyes have adjusted and he can sense that even though Fjord is trying to come across flippant he just sounds tired.

“You both deserve better.” He repeats himself, staring at the outline of his friend, and he watches Fjord look back over at him, sees the faint gleam of his yellow eyes. 

“Who? Me and Avantika?” There’s confusion heavy in the other man’s voice, and Caduceus is sure that if he had dark vision he’d see it be written all over his face, too.

“You, yes, but not Avantika. Someone else. You both deserve better than what you’ve been getting up to at night.” He looks back up at the ceiling after saying it and closes his eye, sees the heartsick look on Jester’s face again and tries to remind himself that Fjord isn’t trying to hurt anyone, that he doesn’t even seem to be aware that he’s hurting himself.

It doesn’t make it any easier.

“I’ve just been doing what needs to be done, man. It isn’t about deserving anything right now.” Fjord’s words are heavy, floating across the room in the dark when Caduceus opens his eyes again. “Who’re you talking about?”

“If you don’t know that by now, then i’m not going to be the one to tell you. Good night, Fjord.” He doesn’t say it unkindly, but he puts a finality in his voice, ending the conversation and rolling over to face the wall.

“Night, Caduceus.” Fjord’s voice is hushed, confused, and there’s the sound of him shifting in bed as well before silence finally takes over their room.

The quiet is thick with the things neither of them are saying, and it takes Caduceus a long time to fall back asleep.

He’s woken up by a loud knocking on their door and the sound of Jester on the other side.

“Fjord, Caduceus, wake up! It’s time to be pirates again!” Caduces rolls over to see Fjord slowly sitting up in bed, rubbing a hand over his face and looking just as tired as he feels.

“We’re up, Jester, thank you! We’ll be out in a minute or two.” He calls out loud enough that he hopes she hears, still watching Fjord try to put himself together before anyone else sees what the nights have been doing to him.

“Well you’re up, Caduceus, but I need proof from Fjord, too! Can’t have our quartermaster not out here keeping us in line!” Her voice is playful, light, no signs of the strain that he witnessed in her last night, and Caduceus watches a small smile flit across Fjord’s face, breaking up the heaviness dragging his features down.

“I’m awake, Jess, I promise. Let us get ready and then we’ll be out right quick.” Fjord raises his voice as he says it, the corners of his mouth still hinting at the smile, and Caduceus watches it take over as they hear a small laugh through the door.

“Okay, if you say so! We’ll see you on deck!” Her voice is bright and quick, but there’s a pause before Caduceus hears the sound of retreating footsteps. He watches Fjord stare down at his hands, the smile still playing around his mouth, and he feels hope fluttering in his chest.

They may be caught in the equivalent of storm right now with the pirates, but they’re going to come out of it okay. For all of their sakes, they have to.

Caduceus just has to trust that Jester was right, and this is the path that the Wildmother set him on.

He thinks about her smile that lights up her face like a sunshine, and the feeling of her hands in his, and he thinks about the small smile that breaks up the exhaustion on Fjord’s face that still hasn’t faded. He thinks about how hard she tries to make everyone smile, how hard she tries to spread chaos and joy, how hard Fjord tries to keep them all safe and how much he trusts Jester through all the ups and downs Caduceus has witnessed.

They’ll be okay eventually, Caduceus knows, but he doesn’t know how steep a price they’re going to have to pay.

He goes up onto deck with Fjord once they’ve both pulled their armor on, blinking in the sunlight, and watches Jester climbing up the rigging towards the crow’s nest, smiling down at them and waving as Beau yells at her to be careful. They’ll be at Darktow today, Avantika tells them with a grin as she passes by, and Caduceus feels the trepidation and unease he’d been experiencing before Jester came by last night return. He doesn’t know what to expect from an island of pirates, but he’s weathered storms alone in his graveyard before.

They’re in the eye of the hurricane, now, and he has no way of telling when the calm will end, but he has friends at his side now. They’ll stand strong through it together and come out on the other side.

Jester calls out above them, pointing at a large bird that swoops down towards her once before spiraling away, powerful wings taking it up towards the sun. Caduceus turns to Fjord to find a sad smile on the other man’s face as he watches the bird fly away.

“Was that some kind of gull?” He asks it quietly, not trying to disrupt wherever his friend has gone to in his head, and there’s gratitude in Fjord’s eyes when he drops his gaze to meet Caduceus’s.

“That’s a mollymawk. Sailors say it’s bad luck to kill ’em.” His voice is steady, even, his carefully constructed mask in place, but Caduceus can see something else lurking in the depths of Fjord’s eyes.

“Do you think that?” He rolls his shoulders as he asks, trying to alleviate the soreness he’s slowly growing accustomed to from sleeping in their too small quarters, but the look on Fjord’s face pushes the muscle aches to the back of his mind.

“I think it’s the worst thing you can do, killing a mollymawk. You deserve every awful thing that happens to you afterwards.” Fjord’s voice drops as he says it, something dark creeping up the back of his throat as his eyes go a little distant, and Caduceus remembers the friend they had, before him, the bright one they’ve told him about. Fjord’s former roommate. Yasha’s best friend. Someone turning into beautiful flowers and useful fungus under the frozen earth.

Jester’s told him stories, slipping into Infernal when she can’t find the right word she wants to describe what he meant to her.

Caduceus decides that he agrees with Fjord’s belief.

“Hey Fjord! Fjord! If I jumped from up here, would you catch me?” Jester’s bright voice breaks through the sound of waves against the ship and the pirates working around them, and they look up together to see her hanging out of the crow’s nest precariously, dimples prominent even so many feet above them.

“If I say yes, she’s probably going to try, isn’t she?” Fjord says it quietly, aside just to him, and Caduceus doesn’t look down but he can hear the fondness in the other man’s voice.

“Probably,” Fjord hums flatly and shifts his weight, but Caduceus pushes on before he can respond to Jester “but if you say no, she might go back to being indifferent like she was a week ago.”

“Shit. So what do I say?” There’s a slight panic in his voice now, but Caduceus can only shrug and watch Jester sway above them, craning her neck as she looks for something.

“I don’t know, but you better think fast before she just jumps anyway.” He says it as calmly as possible, trying not to instill any more panic, only a sense of urgency, and it has his desired effect.

“Jester, you know i’m not as strong as you! I’d probably drop you and fall over myself, and I don’t want you getting hurt!” Fjord shouts it up at her as he walks closer to the main mast, waving a hand up at her to get her attention again.

“I guess you’re right. Hey, how about this! I’ll help you get stronger, and then we can try later, okay?” Jester looks down at him and settles back into the crow’s nest, no longer looking in danger of falling out as she responds, and Caduceus finds himself breathing a sigh of relief.

“Sounds like a plan to me!” Fjord’s shoulders look a little looser than they had when he’d woken up this morning, and Jester’s smile is bright and genuine above them. Caduceus feels like he’s watching a whole other conversation take place, one that neither Fjord nor Jester is aware of. 

The hope he’s been tentatively feeling all morning bursts from his chest and takes flight like the mollymawk. 

They’re going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> Busting out some more writer's block with this one! I hope I did the characters justice! I feel pretty comfortable writing Jester and Fjord by now, but it's different viewing them from a new set of eyes, and I love how Caduceus feels, so I really hope it came across as in-character to you as well!
> 
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment letting me know what you think =) <3
> 
> If you'd like to, you can come find me and talk to me on [tumblr](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/) and [twitter!](https://twitter.com/daleytwin2/)


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